Behavior Rules for Straight Guys.
By Roger Ross
When dealing with women, and even as seen by other men, there are certain standards of behavior that will make it clear to anyone that you are indeed 'Straight'!
Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party-goers to hide the evidence.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is okay for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
- After wrecking your best friend's Ferrari
- When your date is too liberal in using her teeth.
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail your best buddy out of jail within 12 hours. (Likely he was at the same party and it is understood that you need time to sleep it off)
If you have known a guy for more then 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who is running late is 5 minutes. The maximum time to wait is 6 minutes!
Complaining about the brand of beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden (even if it is Coors Light because likely some chick left it anyway).
Gripe at will if the temperature is too warm (and for you English dudes - too cold).
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. If you feel compelled to, then a beer at a bar will do nicely.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event on TV, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who is playing.
You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of entertainment, she is officially your girlfriend whether you like it or not. Under no circumstances are you allowed to fart if her head is still under the covers.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you are sunning on a tropical beach - and a topless supermodel delivers it - and it is free!
If a man's zipper is down, you see nothing. Let a chick or some loser tell him!
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing covered in suicide sauce clean.
You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if you were the one who secretly set it on fire and threw it into the ceiling fan.
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack you better be talking about his choice of beer. Otherwise - there are places called 'bath-houses' where you may be more comfortable.
Phrases that must never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
- Yeah, baby, push it!!
- C'mon give me one more! Harder!
- Another set and we can hit the showers together!
- Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?
Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer then you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone and hang up if necessary.
Under no circumstances are you allowed to go shopping with a woman. If compelled, you must moan and complain. When she is shopping, you must find an excuse to wait outside - if you do not smoke, then take it up as an excuse!
Under no circumstances is a straight guy allowed to look at another guys crotch area (that is why you cannot tell someone if his zipper is down because you should not have been looking there to see it in the first place).
Under no circumstances must a straight guy ever admit to liking a chick flick. When watching them becomes a necessity, they are to be endured strictly as part of a prolonged adventure in foreplay.
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